Cheating in Relationships
Dear Loveawake,
I can’t seem to forgive my husband. He
cheated on me with another woman while he was on a business trip. We’ve been in
couple’s counseling for more than a year, and everyone keeps telling me that in
order for the marriage to survive, I need to forgive him and stop being so
angry. I’ve also been feeling depressed and have been generally sick a lot.
What is forgiveness? And what can I do to help in the process?
- Kelly M.
Dear Kelly,
It is common for people to hold a grudge when they have been wronged, and infidelity is certainly a wrong that’s difficult to get over. However, more than your marriage may be at stake. There is a growing body of evidence to suggest that unresolved anger is bad for your physical and mental health. This could be the cause of your depression and illnesses. You mentioned couple’s counseling. I’d also suggest individual therapy to help you cope with this enormous betrayal.
As for the betrayal itself: While it may be impossible and even undesirable to forget what happened, it is surprising what some people can forgive. What is forgiveness? To some people, when you forgive, you simply write off a debt that you feel is owed to you. In other words, it’s a decision. Ask yourself, what do you rightfully deserve that would even the score? What price are you, not he, paying for holding on to this debt? Have you let your husband know what you think you deserve? If not, can you?
Meanwhile, I’m fascinated that the “survival” of your marriage is said to be your responsibility. What is your husband doing to heal your relationship? Surviving an affair is about bringing a couple closer together and building on small successes. After counseling many couples over the years, I’ve found patterns to this process and have tested these patterns until they became rules.
Chiefly, the person who has violated the boundaries and
integrity of the relationship (in this case, your husband) needs to do a few
things before “forgiveness” can take place.
Rule #1: He needs to
acknowledge that he messed up. He should do this in writing to ensure that his
acknowledgment does not become purely verbal traffic… or subject to revision. Make sure there are no excuses or reasons that let him off the hook in
terms of responsibility. The discussion of reasons and extenuating
circumstances (on his part) is usually best left for another time.
Rule #2: He needs to renew his
promise to you that he won’t betray you again.
Rule
#3: He needs to make amends in a way you’ve
requested.
Rule #4: He needs to repeat this
sequence until you feel that trust and faith have been restored. At that point,
the decision is in your hands; it is up to you to choose whether you can write
off his debt and forgive.
Dear Loveawake,
I’m thinking about getting back into the
dating scene, but I just can’t imagine stripping naked in front of a total
stranger when it’s time to get intimate! I felt really great about my body the
last time I was dating, but now I’m older and I’ve had a child. How can I get
over this insecurity so I can get back into the dating game?
- Eileen M.
Dear Eileen,
I don’t think too many people would feel
comfortable stripping down in front of a total stranger! But the man you will
want to take your clothes off for won’t – or shouldn’t – be a total
stranger. Do away with any defined philosophy, dating rules or advice from
friends about having to jump into bed on the third date. Have sex when you feel
ready – when you know, trust, and feel intimate enough to share your body with
another person without worrying that you’ll be judged or critiqued.
Also,
keep in mind that unless you’re dating a 22-year-old underwear model, your new
lover’s body isn’t likely to be perfect either. While you’re anxiously sucking
in your stomach or stressing about how big your butt is, odd are good he’s
nervous that the light is pointing out his love handles or that his chest is
too hairy.
So how can you feel better and get back into the dating scene
with confidence? In a nutshell, self-acceptance is the key.
Accept that your body will change throughout the stages of
your life and try to focus on your assets instead of your perceived flaws. Be
proud of what your body can do and treat it well. Eat healthy and exercise when
you can.
Besides, would you trade that amazing child of yours for your
former figure? Not in a
million years!
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