School's Out - It's Maternity Leave Time


My maternity leave started today (yes I know I haven't been at work for 2 weeks) but I can now officially say that work is a thing of the past...at least for a minimum of 6-9 months with the option of being off for year. Woo hoo! I have my team lunch tomorrow as we couldn't do it today and I know I'll be sad to wave goodbye to all of the prima donna's and drama queens! It will be weird after almost 4 years at my company, as I won't be part of the fixtures and fittings anymore. The strange thing is that my old boss David Brent X 1 million is leaving at the same time as me so it really is the end of an era! This made me think of my ten best work moments:


1. Just before we broke up for Christmas in 2003, David Brent X 1M 'allowed' us to play music and NK and I seized the opportunity to play The Best of Michael Jackson. Soon we were moonwalking and highkicking around the office and when 'Beat It' came on, NK tied his work tie around his head and pretended to dance around with a flick knife. We ended up reenacting several of the videos that day. It was brilliant fun!

2. B, NK and I pretending to steal incentive vouchers from David Brent X 1M but actually hiding them in his draw. Before doing that, we photocopied them and posted up a ransom note on the wall. He went completely berserk and I actually nearly wet myself laughing. He was humiliated when he discovered that they were in his draw, especially as he'd been making all sorts of threats.

3. Getting bollocked on 2 different occasions by my current and previous director for running up my mobile phone bill. The first time was when I was in Egypt a couple of summers ago and I argued that it was imperative that PDot and I kept in touch with what was happening in Big Brother every day... On the second occasion a few months back, the deduction for the excess amount was agreed before I had a chance to refute it. So I accused my director of depriving the bambino of nappies and food. He laughed so hard he nearly wet himself. But on that occasion I didn't get away with it...

4. Getting drunk several times a week at Digress in Soho for my first year of work and dancing around to cheesy music. It was half price wine so the hardcore amongst would drink at least two bottles of wine and end up paraletically drunk or worse, throwing up everywhere.

5. Using Monkey Mail (it was a web facility that enabled you to pretend to be emailing from other people) to email Bony Arse/Skeletor (2nd last manager). I had heard him moaning about a colleague so I pretended that it was them emailing and demanded that if he had something to say that he say it to 'my' face and did he want to go upstairs and discuss it with HR. His face went scarily pale and then he twigged that it was me and I had to make a run for it....

6. MSlash and I spent an entire day calling Bony Arse's mobile (disguising our number of course) and watching him race from different ends of the office to answer it or race to meeting rooms to answer it discreetly, only for us to hang up either just before he got to the phone or as soon as he answered.

7. B, NK and I changing David Brent X 1M's ringtone and calling it all afternoon. Of course he didn't realise it was his phone for ages and once he did, he was such a technophobe, he couldn't figure out how to change it back AND he was being driven demented by the hang up calls.

8. Tina Turner and I having catfights nearly everyday as I abused her for her Nutbush City Limits hair and growler grazer (fanny skimming) outfits and her screaming at me that I was loud, rude, lewd and jealous of her looks. God I adore that girl!

9. Q, MSlash and I naming our most recent boss Barry from Eastenders and acting out scenes from the show in our exaggerated East End accents. We also canvassed for his nomination for lookalike of the year on this basis and he came third...and also discovered what we'd been up to!

10. Mslash and I taking an opportunity to take the piss out of something or someone every single day since we both worked together. We are able to work in Cartman voices, MJ Voices and if I choose a rap song, he'll find the lyrics and attempt to rap with very poor results. MSlash and I on several occasions came into work and used the Michael Jackson Bo Selecta soundboard to talk to each other. If we didn't use the soundboard, we'd just mimic MJ's voice ourselves, to the point where we were banned from doing it.

Jaysus it's a scary thought that I will be a housewife and mother now. Ok definitely a mother...

Oh sweet jaysus! I have just got off the phone from giving my mother dating advice...

Oh and I also had to drop the bombshell that my stepfather has remarried...they divorced in January. I had to hold the phone away from my ear....

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